Steady
by nenightskies
Summary: A short analysis of what Waverly might have gone through as she came to terms with having feelings for another woman. TW:internalized homophobia, self-hate based on sexual orientation, self-doubt


Waverly wanted this to be easy. It was just a crush, right? She'd had those before. Champ, in high school. Nevermind that it had felt flat and empty-almost more like filling a requirement than actual feeling. But this, this was so different. It was a bit scary, actually, how many different things Nicole made her feel. Once, they'd been walking past a mulberry tree and of course Waverly had reached up to pick a few, but set her foot down on a stick instead of solid ground. She flailed for a second before she felt arms around her, steadying her. She'd wanted to linger there for a while, heart beating fast, skin thrumming with electricity where Nicole's fingers had brushed against her bare stomach. That little moment had occupied her thoughts for days.

It really only got worse from there. They had lunch together at the station. Waverly brought Nicole a cupcake as a surprise, and when Nicole had finished it she had raspberry seeds stuck between her teeth. Waverly caught herself leaning forward, lips parted slightly. Nicole had looked at her strangely before she cleared her throat and pointed them out. They had both laughed, a little breathless, before Nicole had gone to the bathroom and picked the seeds away.

Later, Waverly had thought about what would've happened if she hadn't stopped. If she'd leaned in just a bit more to taste the summer that was Nicole.

She'd always been just a little different from Wynonna, or the other girls in her class. When she got to junior high she got into religion for a little while, and frantically prayed and prayed for guidance. It didn't help. When she envisioned her first kiss she would picture lips sticky with gloss or cupping her hands around cheeks as soft as her own. Never stubble, or hair too short to run her hands through, or football uniforms spotted with grass and sweat. Never any of the boys in her school. She sensed that she was abnormal in this, and it was a small town and people talked even if they didn't go to church so she pushed her daydreams away and started dating Champ. He was fine. She knew she was pretty and all Champ had was his looks, so they were important in high school. Homecoming royalty, and then prom, and never did Waverly feel as if she was exactly where she was supposed to be.

Of course, this was the 21st century. Even tumbleweeds-and-taverns Purgatory knew about the LGBT+ community by now. Mostly everyone pretended that nothing like that existed. Certainly it didn't need to cross the edges of the Ghost River Triangle. Waverly could feel the unease, the simmering tension below the surface. The "F" word was tossed around in high school. "Gay" was a popular insult. There were kids, usually quieter than the rest or who liked to dress differently, who everyone traded rumors about. Always, though, it was treated like a taboo topic. Off-limits. Slightly dirty.

When Waverly thought about herself, what she wanted, the ideas felt like slippery fish in her hands. One second she'd think about two women in love and it felt right. Two puzzle pieces fitting together. Then the next minute something would change. She'd imagine a wedding and two dresses, or introducing someone as her girlfriend, and she could feel that small-town unease tightening in her chest. She hated it. It was so hard, and she hadn't even found someone yet. She couldn't imagine how hard it might be to be dating a girl in real life. The prospect felt unreal somehow, with a shimmery quality to it. Like a bubble, fragile skin shattering at the slightest breeze.

When she thought about Nicole she felt especially angry. She was like no one Waverly had ever met, certainly not like anyone she had ever dated, and that slippery self-hate was forever snaking into her mind, making her doubt herself. Her and Nicole was something so simple, so shining and perfect, that whenever she tried to think about the technical aspects of their relationship it drew the doubt just a bit closer to the surface. So she never classified them, avoided analyzing herself and her desires so that she'd never have to wade into that cold place in her that oozed fear, and hate, and despair.

After weeks of a strained kind of waiting building up in her chest Waverly decides that if she wants to try and untangle the den of snakes of her feelings, she's going to wait for Nicole forever. Instead she takes matters into her own hands, pulling Nicole into Nedley's office and kissing her hard, almost angrily, keeping that doubt locked down. She tries to tell Nicole how new this all is, how unfamiliar, and there's a certain gleam in her eyes that tells Waverly she knows exactly what she's talking about. And her response is perfect, and her cheeks are rose-petal soft, and then they're done talking and when Nicole kisses her again Waverly thinks that this must be a little glimpse of what people call the divine.

It gets easier the longer they're together. Now that Waverly knows what it's like to be with someone you actually care about she wonders how she and Champ ever lasted so long to begin with. Being around Nicole is like standing in the last golden rays of sun, or breathing in the heady scent of clover fields, or any of a number of other things that Waverly has suddenly found new appreciation for with a certain person at her side. She takes Nicole on long treks through the hills, pointing out yucca and sagebrush and prickly pear just to feel her smile glowing in the dry air. Champ had never appreciated how much she loved knowing things.

One day they wake up early together, neither knowing why, so Waverly grabs Nicole's hand and they rush to one of her favorite spots in the woods to catch the sunrise. There's no food, no blanket even, but as Waverly watches Nicole and Nicole watches the pearl-tipped clouds get lighter and lighter she feels like this could be forever and she'd be happy with it. The tension in her chest loosens for a bit. In that clearing, at a ridiculously early hour with the sun still being born overhead, Waverly says "I love you" for the first time. Nicole pauses for just a second, eyes fathomless, before she says it back and they kiss on the dew-beaded blades of grass, Waverly so happy it's like deliria.

In the weeks and months that follow there are whispers. They skulk around town, curling into Waverly's ears from an aisle over at the grocery store or overheard at neighboring tables at Shorty's when she and Nicole are out together. It stings a bit at first but when she sees Nicole it all goes away and she thinks to herself, not for the first time, that for this girl she'd wrestle lions, demons, anything. Anything.


End file.
